You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough. – Frank Crane
When I was a child, an adolescent, even a young adult, trust was a sixth sense, a gut instinct, something that was freely given and received. In spite of being battered and bruised at times, it always healed and remained intact.
It was not until my first encounter with major manic and depressive mood swings in 1984 that trust became an issue of significant doubt and uncertainty. Not only were my thoughts and emotions distorted, but my instincts as well. There were times when I could not rely on the motives or judgments of anyone, including myself.
After diagnosis and treatment, my irrational suspicions and worries were gone, but they did leave a subtle and lasting impression on me.
Over the next five years, with the help of lithium, Dr. Kafrissen, Laura, my family, and friends, my natural instinct to trust was nearly restored.
But in 1989, it was under attack again, an attack more brutal than the first. Not only was I combating a bipolar episode, I was struggling with a severe physical disability. It was impossible to ascertain the source of my mistrust: manic depression, cerebellitis, or myself.
In a manic or depressive state, my suspicions and doubts often became paranoid; as a result of cerebellitis, my suspicions and doubts often became exaggerated; in a rational state, my suspicions and doubts often became confusing because I was not sure if they were normal, exaggerated, or paranoid.
I did not expect my physical disability to play havoc with my mental and emotional states of mind. I assumed that my bipolar disorder had a monopoly on that. I was wrong. Cerebellitis has been more than equal to the challenge.
Trust, once a gift that I willingly shared, became a treasure that I jealously hoarded. I needed help. – Excerpt from “I’m Afraid”
But, where would I find this help?
Who would be capable of providing it?
These were questions whose answers I desperately needed and wanted.
I offer these thoughts for your consideration.
Communication, I believe, is the key to understanding one another.
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The saga continues in my next blog.
Do Not Be Afraid!!!