Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness. – Desmond Tutu
In the eye of a hurricane, there exists virtual calm, blue sky and sunlight, often dazzling. So too, in the midst of our violent, dark storm there were moments of peace, light, and hope; moments we treasured.
One afternoon as I sat on the deck below our apartment staring into an autumn sky, I thought about some of the sessions with Jack. As hard as I tried to hide it, it was obvious that the stress was getting to me.
I spent most of my time wandering around our apartment and my office trying to find something to do, but the only things that occupied my mind and energies were questions to which I had no answers.
Laura, on the other hand, seemed to handle the stress much better than I. When she got angry, she went on cleaning binges, spent hours gardening, escaped into a book, or spent hours talking to her sister.
I tried reading, but without success. No matter where I tried to hide or what book I tried to lose myself in, Fear and Worry yapped at my heels.
Laura appeared on the deck one afternoon and asked me if I wanted to take a ride with her to the farmers’ market. I felt tired and the sun felt good, so I declined her offer.
“Oh, come on,” she said. “It’ll do you good.”
She was standing in front of me with an empty basket on her arm, a beautiful smile, and an enthusiastic invitation. I had no choice.
When we got to the market, Laura asked if I would like to walk around with her.
“I’m a little tired. I think I’ll just sit in the car,” I said.
With a smile on her face, she was off to find the last perfect tomato of the season.
I stared out of the open car window, allowing my mind to wander among the clouds. Warmed by the afternoon sun, my body started to relax. Months of stress, anxiety, and worry were washed away. They were replaced with an unexpected feeling of peace and reassurance. It only lasted a moment, but it was so strong that tears filled my eyes.
I did not mention it to Laura on the way home, but when we got there I found myself searching frantically for a pen and piece of paper.
10/13/89
October,
Friday the 13th,
My lucky day.
As we drive to the farmers’ market
My wife’s face is beaming.
Once there, she asks if I will join her.
A bit tired, and relishing the solitude,
I sit in the car
With the window all the way down.
Happily she goes off in search of
The last perfect tomato of the season.
It is a warm, breezy, sweater day,
A day when you don’t notice the sun
Until you sit quiet and still.
It is a warming sun.
Not the kind of sun that stings,
And makes your skin feel like it’s on fire.
Not the kind of sun that opens every pore,
And lathers you with sweat.
It’s the kind of sun
That penetrates the muscles, and removes the tension.
It’s the kind of sun
That makes the bones feel good.
It is that kind of sun.
I feel peaceful and content.
I notice how blue the sky is,
Not even a cloud.
The sky today is a backdrop.
Orange, yellow, and green leaves
On the trees in front of me
Stand out more than usual.
Against today’s sky even an old,
Crumbling factory looks new.
My wife returns,
Her arms laden with treasures.
With a laughing voice,
And a bright smile,
She describes the contents
Of each and every package.
As we leave
I am smiling, too.
October,
Friday the 13th,
A lucky day.
Indeed.
This poem was in such a hurry to be written, it seemed to write itself; I merely held on to the pen and tried to keep up with it. – Excerpt from “I’m Afraid”
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The saga continues in my next blog.
Do Not Be Afraid!!!
Brings me tears of joy to know that you were able to find hope!