One of the things so bad about depression and bipolar disorder is that if you don’t have prior awareness, you don’t have any idea what hit you. – Kay Redfield Jamison
For as long I can remember, emotions like worry, anxiety, elation and despondency were part of my life. Usually, they seemed rational and were fleeting; sometimes, however, they were exaggerated and long lasting.
No one seemed to notice, so I was reluctant to talk about these thoughts and feelings; I assumed they were just part of growing up.
In 1971, my old friend was a stranger. I did not know his name; I did not know where he came from; and, I did not have a clue as to what he wanted. But somehow, he looked familiar.
I was in my second year of dental school at Temple University. The make or break year. Between the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, I had a major exam or project due every other day. I was behind in everything, and time was running out.
Late one night, a stranger crept into my apartment. He held me hostage for three days. I could not eat; I could not sleep; I barely could catch my breath; and, I left my bed only long enough to go to the bathroom. Although I was bathed in sweat, I was chilled to the bone. I lay in a fetal position for hours trying to get warm, and to protect myself from his punishing assaults. Relentlessly, the stranger tortured me with worry, self-doubt, and guilt.
Disturbing thoughts had been preoccupying my mind for some time: flunking out of school; becoming an embarrassing disappointment to my parents and friends; and, being left with no other options to pursue.
Troubling though these thoughts had been, they remained the rational anxieties of a young man facing failure. But when the stranger suddenly entered my life, these rational worries escalated into irrational, insurmountable fears. – Excerpt from “I’m Afraid”
This was my first significant encounter with this stranger; it was terrifying.
It was not until a dozen years later that I learned his identity.
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The saga continues in my next blog.
Do Not Be Afraid!!!