That is the real problem of depression – a condition which will affect an estimated one in five of the population at some point in their lives. It is completely unimaginable until you have been through it. – Giles Andreae
“Depression” is a word too often used casually: “I feel down”; “I have the blues”; “My nerves are bad”; “I’m depressed.”
This is an excerpt from “I’m Afraid” that appeared in a previous blog.
Unfortunately, these commonplace usages for “depression” offered by some family members and friends were not truly diagnostic of my condition. Nor did the cures they proposed offer a cure for what ailed me.
For all intents and purposes, they were unable to understand that Fear was capable of donning this crippling new disguise (Depression) with the intention of bringing me to my knees…and keeping me there.
As the seasons changed from summer, to fall, to winter, so, too, did my depression change from mild, to moderate, to severe: so much for self-medication.
Some days were better than others. But there was no relief from the pain. Anxiety, indecision, doubt, and worry made normal functioning a difficult, nearly impossible task.
I was awake every morning before the alarm went off, curled into a tight ball under the covers. I knew that the day held nothing in store for me beyond my capabilities, nor to cause me undue worry. Yet, I was afraid to leave the safety and security of my bed.
Although I wanted to run away, to escape the fear that was paralyzing me, I knew that wherever I ran, wherever I tried to hide, the fear would be there to welcome me, to smother me in its sickening embrace.
When I finally summoned the courage to get out of bed, I shaved, showered, and went to my office.
I tried to be cheerful and confident with my patients and staff.
Once behind the door of my private office, however, I paced and wrung my hands, or sat at my desk rubbing my hands over my face and through my hair, repeating over and over again, sometimes out loud, “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel like this?” – Excerpt from “I’m Afraid”
I offer these thoughts for your consideration.
The saga continues in my next blog.
Do Not Be Afraid!!!