Peace is that state in which fear of any kind is unknown. – John Buchan
After admission to the hospital process was completed, I was led to a private room and left alone for a short period of time; I used that interval in an attempt to assess my condition and situation.
After months of overstimulation of both body and mind, a curious sense of calm descended upon me; I was no longer afraid.
I have experienced true moments of the peace of which John Buchan speaks in my childhood and into my adult life, but they have been rare and fleeting.
This peace of mind and spirit, however, quickly transformed itself into worry and anxiety.
Apparently, Fear had stepped out of the room for a few moments and returned without warning.
I reached for the only two weapons available at the time to defend myself: denial and humor.
“If I am insane, I thought, “then there is nothing more to be afraid of…I’m safe…I’m where I’m supposed to be…It’s out of my hands.”
My tranquil state abruptly became one of panic.
If it is out of my hands, then whose hands is it in? If I can’t distinguish between reality and delusion, then who will do it for me? Will anybody do it?
I was confused, disoriented, and exhausted. It was as if someone had walked into the room, told me that I was not who I thought I was, and left without any explanation.
Instinctively, I sought refuge: in denial and humor.
“This is impossible,” I told myself. “This cannot be happening to me…But here I am, sitting on a bed in a psychiatric hospital, staring at a wall.” – Excerpt from “I’m Afraid”
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The saga continues in my next blog.
Do Not Be Afraid!!!