Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes. – Hugh Prather
Today’s blog focuses on change. Dictionary definitions of this noun include two of the following: the act or instance of making or becoming different; and, a new or refreshingly different experience.
My exposure to change usually does alter my views, habits, and attitudes toward myself, others, and life in general; most often for the better, but not always.
Rarely, however, have these occurrences been refreshingly different; rather, they have been mentally and emotionally agonizing or tedious at best.
The following passage from my memoir is illustrative of my initial reaction and inner turmoil regarding Dr. Kafrissen’s matter-of-fact advice, nearing the end of my hospital stay for treatment of my first manic episode.
I noticed that a few of the patients on my floor were absent from some of the group sessions. I discovered that they were excused to attend alcohol and drug rehabilitation meetings.
The next time I saw Dr. Kafrissen, I asked him if I should attend the meetings.
“Why?” he asked.
“Well,” I said, “I used to drink a lot. Maybe I’m an alcoholic.”
He stared at me for a few moments, and said, “There is a fly on your leg.”
Instinctively, I looked down.
“Imagine my leg is manic depression,” he said. “The fly is alcohol.” He placed his hand on his thigh and flicked the imaginary fly off of his pants.
“The fly is insignificant,” he said. “What is important is the leg. Bipolar patients often use alcohol to self-medicate themselves. They are rarely alcoholics. Forget about the meetings. More importantly, forget about drinking. It will only lead you back here.”
Before I was discharged, I had one last meeting with Dr. Kafrissen.“Still feel like a genius?” he asked.
I chuckled.
“What do you plan to do when you leave here?” he said.
“Well, I’m going to go home, go back to work…. ”
“No, no,” he said. “What I meant was what are you going to do about your bipolar illness?”
I hesitated. I was not sure how to answer his question, so I answered with a question.
“What do you recommend?” I said.
“Continue to take your lithium every day,” he stated. “Find a psychiatrist who is familiar with bipolar disorder. And change your lifestyle.”
I was sorry that I asked.
I had been on an emotional roller coaster for twelve months. In less than three weeks, it was brought to an abrupt halt, and I was faced with making changes in my life that seemed insurmountable. – Excerpt from “I’m Afraid”
This was definitely not a refreshingly different experience.
I offer these thoughts for your consideration.
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The saga continues in my next blog.
Do Not Be Afraid!!!