Help me to journey beyond the familiar and into the unknown. Give me the faith to leave old ways and break fresh ground with You. – St. Brendan
After being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I spent the next four years trying, and struggling, to follow the advice of Dr. Kafissen: taking my medication every day as prescribed; meeting with him on a regular basis to monitor my progress; and, changing my lifestyle.
When cerebellitis struck, I not only was faced with a major mental disability but with a significant physical one as well.
My approach to cerebellitis was similar to that of bipolar disorder: I tried, and struggled, to follow the treatment and advice of all the doctors and therapists who were doing their best to heal me.
I still needed more help, but the source of that help seemed to be eluding me.
Maybe it was because as a teenager my faith was strong, uncomplicated, and unquestioning, and now it was not; maybe it was because I took a twenty-year sabbatical from God and my religion to pursue my own interests; or, maybe it was because I felt like the prodigal son: reluctant, proud, and afraid to go home.
I did not want to crawl back to God and beg for his mercy and forgiveness. If I was going to return, I wanted to solve my own problems first, and then face him on equal terms.
I was convinced I was doing everything in my power to help myself recover from cerebellitis, but it seemed as if nothing was working. Time was standing still, and I was becoming impatient—very impatient. – Excerpt from “I’m Afraid”
Reluctance, pride, fear, and impatience should have been red flags waving vigorously in front of my face.
They probably were doing just that, but I was blinded by anger, uncertainty, and self-pity.
Something within me had to change.
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The saga continues in my next blog.
Do Not Be Afraid!!!