Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart. – Mahatma Gandhi
After the shock of bipolar disorder diagnosis slowly began to dissipate, it was followed four years later with the diagnosis of cerebellitis.
Afraid, angry, and confused, I was faced with countless questions and decisions.
The most obvious and urgent of them being: What do I do now?
My first step was seeking help from doctors and therapists who were familiar with my two major illnesses.
I was extremely fortunate to find myself in the hands of dedicated and competent professionals.
It took me some time to realize the necessity for me, the patient, to willingly assume as much or more of the responsibility for my healing as the doctors and therapists.
After years of hard work and determination on all our parts, considerable progress was made.
Nevertheless, it eventually became clear that I would need to accept living with two permanent disabilities; and, more significantly, the problems and difficulties that followed in their aftermath.
It was this realization that prompted me to seek more help, help from a Source that I always had believed in, but had ignored for too long a time.
Although I did not directly blame Him for either cerebellitis or manic depression, I did blame everyone else on the planet. Perhaps, I was being subtle.
I never admitted to myself that I was angry with God, but I did argue, beg, whine, and arm wrestle with Him almost daily. My father used to say that if you spent enough time with someone, you always learned something about that person and yourself. He was right.
In addition to my physical, mental, and emotional disabilities, I did learn that I had a spiritual one as well.
Like the others, it would require therapy, rehabilitation, hard work, and time. Like the others, the key to success would lay in the hands of the patient.
Although my initial attempts to return to God seemed to be of no avail, I came to the conclusion that since I had ignored Him for twenty years, it might not be so easy to renew our relationship. –Excerpt from “I’m Afraid”
It did not occur to me at the time that renewing my relationship with God might have been hampered by my approach in seeking His help.
Instead of patience, humility, quiet listening, and trust in the God I believed in, my attitude was one of desperate impatience, stubborn self-determination, constant asking and questioning, and fearful doubt.
No wonder it seemed that God was not returning my calls.
I offer these thoughts for your consideration.
Communication, I believe, is the key to understanding one another.
Consequently, I encourage you to share your thoughts and opinions regarding my blogs by posting them on this website.
If you have read “I’m Afraid,” consider writing a review of the memoir. It will be an invaluable asset for me and for fellow readers.
Simply click on the Contact button on the Home page to write your review or comments, or post them on Facebook or Goodreads if you prefer.
The saga continues in my next blog.
Do Not Be Afraid!!!